Since Dirtbags have worked many service industry jobs, we tend to feel awkward when in the position of the person being served.
Maybe it's because we have been servers and we're empathetic to how difficult the job can be.
Maybe it's because we've never been waited on by another person in our lives, and it feels WEIRD.
Maybe it's because we're worried the kitchen is gonna spit in our food...
Whatever it is, many of these requests are some of the worst trash offenses you can commit at a restaurant. Here's
As Foley has very often mentioned on AYG, waiters have "steps of service" they follow to make the process of serving a meal as smooth as possible. It's (roughly):
Hello > Drinks > Apps > Meal & Additions > Dessert > The Check
But Dirtbags know that Janet at the diner has 13 tables now, and if you don't ask for your Diet Coke refill as soon as she set down that Patty Melt, you may never see it.
We agree it's best to order within this clearly structured rhythm, you can ask for dessert between yours apps and your main course if you really want to.
They're called steps of service, which means youse are allowed to ask the waiter to serve you at any time - if you're at nicer restaurants. This can only be employed at restaurants with cloth napkins. Take it easy on Janet.
So don’t be a Dirtbag and shout your drink order at the waitress across the restaurant, but just wait til she walks up to your table. (Unless, again, you're ordering from Janet and you know her hip is acting up today, so you're saving her a trip.)
You don’t have to stop at the bar before you sit down to give em your drink order either. They’re probably in the middle of something and you’re throwing off their flow.
Also - ya don't need to say things like "when you have time" or "no rush" - ofc there's a rush, this chicken sandwich will be gone in 5 minutes!
Keep the pressure on ‘em - so they don’t forget.
We understand french fries are best enjoyed with ketchup - but sometimes you gotta mix in hot sauce or mayonnaise or ranch or all three to get the perfect ratio and really bring out the flavor.
And we think it's totally okay to ask for all the paid (or even free) condiments you please.
That said, don't be a Dirtbag - make it easy on em.
I'm a BIG fan of hot sauce on everything - like, everything - and I know that the waiter ain't gonna remember to bring it. So a big loophole I employ is to request the hot sauce WHEN I order my meal. If they forget, you remind them and they feel bad for forgetting when you asked SO EARLY in the meal.
As discussed in our most recent episode - where Trevor Wallace returned - there is a difference between requesting mods and requesting substitutions.
We think ask for as many mods as you want - no tomato? Should be no problem.
But when you're at a low-rent place, or even a really high rent place, you can't be making a ton of substitutions - and if you are, you’d better manage your expectations.
If you're at a high-end restaurant, the chef has specifically designed the ingredients to balance and compliment what’s in the menu. He's gonna be mad if you try to change his art, and even if he might do it, he's still gonna be offended.
If you're allergic to dairy, he won't be mad if you ask for it without cheese.
BUT if you're at the corner tavern, and it's 50 cent wing night (if those still exist) it's REAL trashy to request "all drumsticks".
I once had a buddy order wings at a local joint like this, and I've never been more impressed at his social tack.
I'll have a dozen hot honey chicken wings. And I know you can't promise it, but I'd love all flats if the chef can.
This not only builds up the cook's ego - you did say chef when we both know he's the bartender's buddy out on parole. AND you're making them feel like you're chill with the outcome, either way. (Managing your expectations...)
Most likely, the chef will think you’re a cool guy (because you’re being so reasonable) and take your side.
(We acknowledge the old FLATS vs DRUMSTICKS wing debate is hotly contested, so we'll save that for another blog.)
You and your wife need refills, but don't worry about passing your cup down to the waiter!
He can reach it - and if he can't, he'll either tell ya, or bring you a new cup.
You're not "puttin' the server out" by asking them to reach 6 inches for a refill. Let the server serve you!
Dirtbags love to grab all the paper scraps and napkins and silverware and then pile it all on top of your plate.
Unless you're at a restaurant that serves food in plastic baskets, just let the busboy do his thing. He needs purpose.
Or just - don’t make a great big mess?
That said, don't leave the ketchup bottle open - that's trashy, always.
This one is painful - because sometimes they just get it REALLY wrong.
I once ordered a turkey sandwich at a diner and the waitress brought me a corned beef reuben. Those are two very different sandwiches, and totally different experiences.
Did I send it back? Yes. Did I eventually get the correct sandwich I ordered? Hell no, it was all jammed up the second time, too! I got a turkey rueben on a pita?
Sometimes the cards are not stacked in your favor, so you just have to accept that. You can’t expect the 4’10” waitress is gonna stand up to the cook and take the blame - just forget about it!
If you don't, you're gonna be eating someone's loogie and still get the wrong dish, so save yourself the mono. (S/o the 2005 film WAITING starring Ryan Reynolds, Justin Long, and Anna Farris).
We just don't recommend EVER sending food back.
Let us know in the comments below!
And as always, love youse. - AYG
This 15 oz ceramic coffee mug is Tuddy's favorite vacation souvenir!
It features a C-handle, making it easier to light her morning burnie while sippin' her instant java. She recommends hand-washing.
