If you’re like me, Pizza Day in the middle school cafeteria was just a cruel reminder that you had a brown bagged lunch waiting in your locker. There would be no fish sticks, no chicken patties, no chocolate milk. Instead, you would dive deep into depths of culinary hell with whatever your parents deemed edible the night before.
Here are the Top 10 Trashiest Brown Bag Lunches.
Let’s kick this off by breaking the mold immediately.
If you showed up to school with lunch in a blue or white grocery bag, THAT. IS. TRASH.
Literally. Your lunch is basically in a trash bag.
If you showed up to the lunch table with a bag of Clancy potato chips from Aldi, or God help you, Great Value pretzels, you’re probably washing it down with a “cola” like substance.
You definitely heard the phrase, “It tastes just like the name brand” growing up. Spoiler alert, it does not.
This may be controversial but the cafeteria is no place for a can of anything.
Nothing alerts your classmates more to your trash status than popping the tab on a can of Mellow Yellow right before you tuck into a bologna sandwich.
As adults we can relate to the idea of throwing two eggs, a slice of pizza, and leftover spinach dip on a plate and calling it lunch.
But if we’re talking about the formative years of a pre-pubescent middle schooler, let’s keep the experimentation to chemistry. This screams, my parents forgot I was here until this morning lunch is whatever was in the front of the fridge.
Time is a great teacher.
The thought of eating cold leftovers is not uncommon to me. It’s welcomed at this point. I’m eating cold leftovers as I type this.
But being the kid that’s showing up to the lunch room with a Tupperware container of last night’s rigatoni, that’s been warming to a temperature the board of health would call, “problematic,” is straight trash.
We’ve officially turned the corner and are galloping into our final lap. At number 5 we have the fast food brown bagged lunch.
If you’re pulling a quarter pounder out of your backpack you also missed the bus, had to wake your Mum up even though she’s on night shift, and she hit the Mickey D’s 2 minutes from school before she dropped you off.
Home cooking at its finest.
How can you tell someone doesn’t respect their Step-dad? When they dump out their lunch and it’s all snacks.
Doritos with a side of Little Debbies, two Kit-Kats, and some Gushers as a palette cleanser.
This food pyramid wasn’t built by the aliens but by a kid who calls his Mom’s husband, Scott.
Kicking off the top 3 is the Same Lunch Different Day.
If variety is the spice of life, I’m oatmeal. Actually oatmeal would be a welcomed treat to the monotony of; salami and cheese, pack of cookies, bag of chips, Capri Sun.
This method of lunch packing usually aligns with buying in bulk and whatever’s on sale. “I’m not buying Maple Turkey at $6.99 a pound!” Ok Dad, we’re at the movies right now and people are scared.
Nothing says mom and dad forgot to hit the grocery store more than a peanut butter sandwich made with two heels.
This break glass in case of emergency lunch is usually accompanied by an apple 3 days past its prime and some adult authority figure saying, “just eat around the brown part. That won’t kill you.”
Coming in at number 1, the king of the trashiest brown bag lunches is…no lunch at all!
That’s right folks. The trashiest thing you can pack for lunch is an excuse. I left it on the table. I was running late. Are you going to eat that?
This now puts you in the position to barter and trade with your classmates for whatever unwanted items they have. Do you like carrot sticks, a can of fruit cocktail, and Fig Newtons? No? Neither do they. So get ready to tuck in to your MacGyvered lunch.
If you’re still brown bagging it out there, hopefully this can serve as a guide.
If you read this and thought, “that’s a good idea.” You, my good sir or ma'am, are trash.
- Love Youse, AYG
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