The AYG boys have been feeling nostalgic this week…
On Patreon we had an Antiques Roadshow episode and Joey Diaz returned to the pod where we chatted candy cigarettes.
We thought we’d rank the trashiest retro candy… for Tuddy’s sake.
7 Trashiest Retro Candies
7. Jelly Belly
Jelly Belly by itself isn’t trashy, but all these offshoot flavors can really turn on the GAG factor.
Flavors like Tangerine, Very Cherry, or even Birthday Cake are expected for jelly beans.
But things like Barf, Dead Fish, or Spoiled Milk? I don’t like to take chances about the things I put in my mouth, and that is an automatic bad time.
Therefore, TRASHY.
(Also… Juicy Pear is right… 🍐)
6. Poop Themed Candy
Nope. Just... nope. This specific candy isn’t necessarily retro but it only exists in candy shops, and there are many retro similar flavors.
I never play this one close to the vest because your buddy WILL make you eat real poop somehow.
If you’re an 8 year old boy, this candy is acceptable, otherwise, trash.
5. Candy Necklaces
Again, if you’re an 8 year old, this is acceptable. On any female 18 + it’s just… suggestive.
And it always stains your skin when you get the colors wet. If you can buy it at a Spencer’s Gifts, it’s trashy. (This includes any G-strip adjacent models.)
4. Wax Lips
The LIPS are another candy with “grooming our children” energy… But the mustache is HILARIOUS - as are the fangs.
These are on the list because they also TASTE like garbage.
We think they’re supposed to be chewing gum? Definitely not recommended if you have braces on your teeth.
3. The Candy Cigar & Cigarettes
The first time one of these landed in your hands, you cemented your path in the Dirtbag lifestyle. We all know youse pretended to smoke em just like we did.
Either made of bubble gum or that "candy" that tastes and looks just like white chalk.
But like Will Smith said in “Getting Jiggy with It”, I just bite it, It’s for the look, I don’t light it…
It was about imitating degenerate behavior, and feeling like a rebel.
Imitating your idols like John Wayne, Johnny Depp, Kurt Cobain, your Dad, whoever… And knowing your Trashy Trail was just beginning.
2. Candy Buttons
Who invented this?
Some guy who wanted to dope up children? That’s not to say, but apparently they were “cheap and easy to distribute” back in the day as “party favors”. So - maybe drugs stole it from THEM?
Either way - totally AVERAGE taste wise, so far as candy goes.
1. Big League Chew
Not only are we promoting chewing tobacco, but we're promoting 7 year olds SPITTING every where.
It was certainly trashy but a grand old time when you put that in your front lip and suck on it like a jolly rancher til you SPIT it back out.
Trash.
What trashy retro candy are we forgetting?
Let us know down below! Love youse!
