Hey, gang! Ian Fidance joined the Boys again this week - as we learned how the Foley-roommate situation in Brooklyn has been shaping up. (Honestly seems pretty great.)
If youse didn't know, we're live-premiering our new Comedy Special on September 13th! That's less than 10 days from now!
It'll be streaming on YouTube - so if you're an audio-only listener - or if you haven't yet - please subscribe and turn on Notifications! It's a HUGE help to making this thing go viral - and we want everyone to see it. We can't thank youse enough!
For now, please enjoy...
**Note - All stories are anonymously reported to protect the innocent Dirtbags. Also - they're not our stories, we found them on the internet.
I had a roommate who absolutely refused to buy toilet paper. After weeks of her stealing ours, the other 3 of us started hiding it so she would be forced to buy her own. Instead, she started taking heaps of napkins from restaurants and stealing rolls of our paper towels. One night we all went out to dinner, came home, and the entire basement was flooded because she backed up the toilet with god only knows how much shit that shouldn't ever be flushed. That and she would keep piles of old food laying around her room...never did laundry...most disgusting human being I've ever met.
My roommate wanted to chill a warm six-pack of Miller Light. He saw a Myth Busters that he could use a fire extinguisher. He used the wrong type, it was a dry chemical type not a C02. It was a mess.
I had to work abroad for three months. I came home to discover the bathroom light bulb had blown just after I left. Roomie felt she couldn't change it herself so called an electrician. Electrician laughed at her and told her she could save a fortune and do it herself. She still hadn't done it by the time I got back.
Needless to say I fixed it in about 5 minutes. It would have been sooner but I couldn't stop chuckling at the thought of her shitting in the dark for months.
One time in college, I was having a really awesome sex dream. But then I woke up and realized it was prompted by my roommate's sex noises. (We had ultra thin walls). I normally wouldn't care but this was at 7am and it was loud enough to wake me up. The worst part was hearing my roommate cheerfully say, "What a great way to start the morning," as he escorted this homeless-looking old man out the front door. Unfortunately, this would be the first of many homeless-looking old men to bend my roommate over.
I lived with a magician.
Of the many moments the odd one that I remember vividly was when he was about to leave the country for near about 2 months. Before he left (hours before going the airport) he filled the freezer with whole chickens. Then got really upset when we ate them to free up space.
[...he wouldn't stop.] Every single day, whole chickens. He left the country 2 god damn months ago and somehow, someway, every fucking day the empty freezer is back to being occupied with whole chickens.
A friend of mine needed a roommate in a house where he already held a lease. I moved in and paid him rent instead of adding my name to the lease. I lived there for about three months and it was great. He was always cleaning, literally always. It seemed pretty great until I came home from work one day. There was a pink note stuck to the front door that said we were being evicted because we hadn't paid rent in three months. Turns out that cleaning was what he liked to do while high on meth. It all worked out though. I talked with the landlady and she kicked him out and I took over the lease.
When I was in undergrad at <redacted> State University - my roommate and I needed to replace another roommate that had moved out. We asked one of our girlfriends we know from classes - because she was really FUN! More importantly, I worked for her parents at a restaurant they owned and knew her other siblings, that were all very normal - and I knew they had money, so paying rent wouldn't be a problem. I knew she liked to party - drink, smoke weed, etc - but I did not know that she was also a closeted heroin addict.
She hid it expertly for a while, but then my kitchen spoons started to disappear. Then she would make odd mistakes, like taking and wearing my brand new shoes because she "thought they were hers" even though they were 2 sizes smaller than she wore (and different colors). She also had a girlfriend that was just as petite as she was - both assuredly under 120 pounds - and they would FIGHT like feral street cats - SHOUTING at the tops of their lungs, throwing each other around, and putting multiple holes in the drywall, knocking off towel racks, etc.
I could deal with a lot, but one day I came home and found her on the couch - totally knocked out on dope. I checked her pulse - and couldn't find it - and I really thought she was dead - so I tried waking her up for nearly 5 minutes, shouting, slapping her face, and finally, I threw water on her, and she woke up.
After that, I went to her mom and pleaded to make her move out - and she (reluctantly) agreed and "got her help". Not sure that truly happened, but she did withdraw from classes. She lived with us for maybe 10 weeks total - and I never got my shoes back.
I've actually heard she's doing well now.
Not actually my story but a friend of mine had a pretty rough time on her first week of living in a new place with a bunch of guys.
She originally wanted to rent with her friend but unfortunately her friend pulled out of the university course at the local university they were attending together, so she ended up having to find somewhere to rent alone. She ended up renting a room in a house share with 4 other guys (also students). After the first week she informed them she was going to the shop and they asked her to pick up some toilet tissue for the house. Unfortunately she forgot and they were pretty upset about it.
So the next day, after being out of the house all day she came home to find her bedroom walls and bed sheets smeared in shit. It was there idea of teaching her a lesson about forgetting to get toilet tissue.
My freshman roommate and I fell into a pattern of watching X-Files in our shared dorm room before going to sleep. I distinctly remember the summer after freshman year, and how I started watching scary movies by myself because I couldn't fall asleep anymore without this vague sense of unease. Thankfully, that wore off in a few months.
I was in the Navy back in the '80s and got a place with a bunch of my drunken, numbskull friends. Where do I begin? Because they were definitely competing to out-stupid each other. Let's start with cutting open glow sticks and spraying the toxic chemicals around the apartment to make everything glow. They left little melted spots on the linoleum and formica and our motorcycle helmets. They also stained the walls and carpet.
Next, let's move on to fan dancing, which is when you jump up and try to hit your head on the ceiling fan. And no, stitches didn't stop them! They broke three blades off the ceiling fan. And then there was the time they played a drunken game of football with a carton of ice cream. So much stupid!
Can you top any of these? Let us know in the comments below!
And if you wanna keep your keys SAFE - get Aunt Tuddy's Hotel Keychain here or below!
Love youse!
Did you know Aunt Tuddy used to own a hotel on the Strip? Or so she claims...
She likes to show off this hotel keychain as she reminisces about the glory days. Keychain is plastic and reads "Aunt Tuddy's" with a cocktail, dice, and card decal on the front. Item measures 2.0" W x 3.8" H.
