There are a lot of different reasons why somebody wants to make a good impression during the Best Man speech at a wedding.
There is no reason that fits the AYG way more than a good solid face throw to the family. They mocked you for years and thought you were a loser but now it's your time to shine.
I was honored enough to be the Best Man at my brother's wedding some 15 years ago. As I looked back on the events of that night and the events that had led up to it, it was really the first time I realized what a true dirtball I was.
Now, I have shared some of the secrets to my success from that evening on the show, but never quite in detail, and I feel it my responsibility to lay out a roadmap for any of my fellow Army of Garbage members who might find themselves in a similar situation.
Remember Your Motivation
So like I said, you have to remember your motivation. It's for you to look awesome and to be able to rub it in people's faces at a later date.
However, I want you to know that you're selling a product that you can be proud of, they are getting a performance that they will remember, and one that’s worthy of the trashiest or classiest weddings.
Go Light on the Booze Consumption
Before we get to the actual toast, you wanna go light on the booze consumption until your performance is over.
After that by all means, make a fool of yourself. I assume some of you (maybe most of you) might be the black sheep in your family, so there's gonna be a lot of under expectations.
Be Last to Speak
This is your time to shut everybody up. So the important thing is you want to be the last person to speak.
This is crucial. You don't want some cousin or bridesmaid coming up behind you and undoing the work that you've done, or god forbid one-upping you.
When you get up there, the impulse to be vulgar and to be funny is gonna seem overwhelming, do not do that!
Sincerity
Sincerity, believe it or not, is your best friend.
When you get up there you want to face the crowd and you want to thank everybody for being there for the joining of these two families and if there's bad blood between the families, you want to tamper this down to make it appropriate for the specific family situation.
You should say something nice about the groom, say what they mean to you, lie if you have to. If real emotions creep up, remember you cannot cry unless you want to spend the rest of the night looking like a total pussy. Also this isn't an open mic night. You don't wanna go up there with some off-color comment about the honeymoon. Remember this broad’s father is in the building and probably paying for the shindig, so don't go up there before them running your mouth.
If you want to be funny, keep it clean and wholesome. You’re a gentleman — at least that's what you want them to think.
The Final Stretch
After that, it’s all downhill. Grab your cocktail. If you were already holding it, don’t raise it until now.
Turn towards the bride and groom, because the toast is for them not the crowd. Suckers.
Lastly command the room to “raise a glass to Mr. And Mrs. So And So. And say…
“Here's to the beginning, to the middle, and to all things never ending. May all that life has to offer wait for you both quietly on your doorstep, and the love that you feel for one another at this moment, may it last you a lifetime, and may your hearts both live together forever in the first light of the rising Sun.”
Now back to the crowd “To the bride and groom.” Take a sip of your drink and walk off.
Happy Hunting, Love Youse
-Uncle Hank
